There. I said it.

I do not know where to begin. This morning I woke up to my sweet 5 year old throwing up at 5:30. "Today is the big day, he can't be sick", I thought to myself as I went to check on him. We got him all fixed up with some cartoons, water, and phenergan, and I began to make a plan. My fabulous mother-in-law just happened to be in town and saved the day! (She is pretty darn good at that.) :) I proceeded to get ready. Knots in my stomach. How will I react? What will I say? Can I even do this? My mind was racing. But I did it. I read the following statement to, Shad Stephens, the driver of the vehicle that killed my dad.

"A mistake, by definition, is to blunder in the choice of. All people make mistakes. Some mistakes are small and may even go unnoticed. Other mistakes are noticed by many. In this case, you made a mistake, a poor decision, a short sighted choice. Unfortunately your mistake effected many, many people. Not only is my family hurting, but so is yours. You have changed our lives forever. I can only pray your life is changed forever too. I hope you change your path, turn your life around and become the very best version of Shad there is.

Looking back at the last 362 days it all seems like a dream. A very bad dream. It has all passed so slowly, yet it seems to have flown by. All the days have one thing in common, they are missing my dad. He was a good man. He had a good heart and more love than you could even begin to imagine for his grandsons. I would give ANYTHING to have a dad hug, to hear his voice, to see his smile, or giggle at whatever silly accent he was talking to us in. He once told me the silliest thing and it made me laugh for at least 30 minutes. Still to this day it brings a smile to my face. My sons will not remember that man. They will never know silly ol' Papa. There are some things mothers do not want to and should not have to do. Sitting in the floor holding your crying 4 year old and trying to explain he can't go see his Papa is one of those things. But I had to do it. I answer questions about heaven, Jesus and why we can't just go for a visit. I don't feel like he should have to as these questions.

After a roller coaster of emotions, tears, anger, countless prayers and a few hundred miles on my treadmill, I have peace. I will always live with a sad place in my heart missing my dad, but I will be okay. My dad has missed huge milestones in my life over the last year. Luckily I had him for my wedding, both of my boys births, and 28 years. My siblings are not able to say that.

I hope you are remorseful, prayerful and ready to change. I pray for you and your family. I began praying for you on Saturday, December 12, 2009, and I will continue until I die. I hope you find hope, healing, and Jesus. I also hope you think of us everyday!

"For if you forgive men their trespasses your heavenly father will also forgive you: but if you forgive not men their trespasses neither will your father forgive your trespasses." Matthew 6:14-15

I forgive you. Not only because it is what I should do as a christian, but because I am sure you never set out to kill anyone.

Thanks"

I made it through the whole thing, only crying a time or two. Saying my words aloud to his face and seeing his reaction was amazing. I only wish I knew what he had to say back.

Guess What!

Today has been the most fabulous day! :) I got to sleep in a little bit, I got all the laundry done, played with my kids, cut all the guys hair, and had a quiet momma only trip to the mall where I got some AWESOME new lotion!!! All of this was great, but the best part of my day was ...

... Abram said his first real word! I was in the bedroom folding and putting away some laundry. I had the blinds pulled up so Abram could look out the window into the backyard. He kept tapping on the window making all his normal cute jibber jabber, I said "You want to go outside?" He smiled and kept playing like normal, then just a split second later he said "outside. Momma, momma. outside." I could not believe it! It was as plain as day! I just cannot believe how fast he is growing! What a sweet boy!!

A New Beginning

So there I was walking down the hall today. Checked my watch, 12:46, as I thought"In just a few minutes it becomes official!" As I neared the end of the hallway the P.E. teacher and Music teacher stood returning some little people to their teachers. They both asked "Do they know yet?!?!" "No, not yet." I replied, in the calmest voice I could. I completed the task I had set out to do and headed back down the hall to my room. Just as I was getting close I heard one of the 4th grade teachers say, "Hey the kids are on their way. Do you see the principal?". Again I replied, "No, not yet"... As we stood waiting in the door way of my room, the principal, the assistant principal, and myself, I was growing more and more nervous. Finally it was go time. The moment of truth. We walked in to the room and the principal announced, "We have a lot more 4th graders this year than we expected. I am sure you all have seen Mrs. Flynn around here settingup her room, observing in your classroom, or maybe just passing by in the hall. We came to tell you all we are opening another section of 4th grade! We are excited to tell you we are pulling students from this class and the class next door to make up the students in Mrs. Flynn's class." Chatter immediately filled the room. You could hear them asking each other if they knew, who they thought would be going, and if the new lady (me) looked mean. Mean I thought?! You guys have NO idea. We spent the better part of the afternoon getting to know one another, asking questions about how this was all going to go, and making little projects to hang on the walls. After it was all said and done I was SO RELIEVED!!!! God has blessed me with a fabulous group of kids, a wonderful campus, and most importantly a job! After everything that has been going on in my life, the unfortunate upcoming events, the loss of friends, and the stress of school, work, and a family, its about time I can say this ... I AM A TEACHER!

It was made possible by these two

I have to give a special thanks to my mom. She has been supportive through it all and is the most amazing woman who loves us all unconditionally. My sweet husband for putting up with me and all my "crazy" for the last 10 years. My, oh so fabulous, little sister for all her help with Barrett and my awesome classroom! Not to mention being a friend through thick and thin, and for being understanding (unfortunately because she is just as impacted as I am) over the last several months when many people have turned and run. My brothers for not being "too cool" to hang out with their much older sister at college. My in-laws for all they do and their support and prayers! All the friends I met at WT that are going through this same educator mess with me, just keep on keeping on! The end is near and its awesome.

I can only imagine how proud my dad would be of me today. I know he would be more than thrilled... I can hear it now, in his dad voice, Ash you know the one when he would hug you and talk soft so only you could hear. He always said the same thing "I love you sis". I'd give ANYTHING to have that hug right now.

Looks like I have more shout outs than the MTV Music Awards! lol :)

Thanks for reading!

love, forgiveness, and peace

There are days in your life you will never forget. July 10, 2000, I started dating my Bradley. April 30, 2003, Bradley asked me to be his wife. September 20, 2003, We said "I Do" and began our life together. November 22, 2005, my Barrett was born. June 23, 2009, we were blessed with Abram. The list goes on. There are too many important dates in between these to mention. The day in my life that stands out the most ... December 11, 2009, my dad was killed. Six months ago today, December 15, 2009, we held services to celebrate his life, mourn his death, and begin our healing process. We started to pick up the pieces and adjust to the "new normal". We witnessed that the rest of the world went on undisturbed even though our worlds and life as we knew it had been turned upside down and broken apart.

It is amazing how differently I look at the world now. I have chosen to see the good in people. I have found strength in my faith I never knew existed. I have learned I can feel alone in a room full of people. I live thankful for each day I am blessed to spend with my family, my husband, my sons, and my friends. I have also come to terms with the fact at some point we will all die, ready or not. I am ready, no longer scared of what it will be like, but comforted in the fact that when it is my time to go, God will call me up. Whether I am doing something important or something ridiculous. At some point I will sit face to face with Shad Stephens. I will look him in the eye and tell him I whole heartedly forgive him. He did not mean to kill my dad. He made a series of poor decisions that led him to where we are now. I hope he is remorseful, I hope he regrets his actions, but most of all I hope he has found God's grace and he sees this as an opportunity to turn his life around.

I wish no one had to experience this part of life. I am not sad for my dad. He is dancing in heaven, asthma free, pain free and care free. My grief is totally selfish because we were left behind to miss him. My prayer for you is when you are in this sad, lonely place you are strong in your faith and you cling to God with all your might. As lonely as it feels, we are never alone.

Jesus loves you! =)

Welcome!!

Wow! As I have sat here on the computer for about an hour now checking out all the aspects of the blogging world I am in awe. I actually feel a little lost, which isn't something that happens often for me dealing with technology. I am happy to say this is officially my first blog post! I am hoping this will be a fun way to share. Thanks in advance for your patience as I learn how to use this!

I have to admit after getting the new camera and seeing all the wonderful things it can do I take every opportunity I get to "practice" with it. It is a little intimidating but SO much fun. I am sure soon these boys will be ready for me to put the camera away but until then I will be snapping up every photo op I get! Here are a few pictures I took over the last week or so.

Have a wonderful night!