Today started out like the last few December 11ths have for me. Laying awake at an unreasonable hour (2:30am), knots in my stomach, knowing each minute will hold a new emotion for me. Today seemed extra nerve-racking as I had no idea how lunch would go. My mom, sister and I had lunch with Luann, Shad's mother. I just kept thinking, "What will I say to her?", "Will this be awkward?", "What if I can't keep it together and I am a crying mess??" I was pleasantly surprised. Luann is a very sweet and kind lady. She was so normal. I don't know what exactly I was expecting, but in my mind it wasn't as easy as the actual lunch was. I shared the day with my mom and sister, shopping, remembering, and most importantly laughing. :)
As I sit here, 9:45 is approaching. Each new minute brings another memory of being there, wondering, knowing something was bad wrong. Hearing the surgeon say "It will be a miracle", then praying with everything I had that a miracle was God's plan... Walking back to the Specials lab with my mom so she didn't go alone. Listening, timing heart beats, watching the nurse take the "crash cart", hearing them call as they pushed amps of epi. Sitting on the cold floor and knowing a miracle for my dad wasn't in the works. The miracle was for Shad. I didn't know it that night, but the miracle was not that my dad would be saved. It was that the realization of Shad's mistake had forever changed not only our lives, but his as well. That night, had you asked me what I thought of him, I would not have had nice things today. But as I sit here tonight, 3 years later, I have to say he is doing what is right. He is working, he is sorry, and he knows our forgiveness. He writes my mom often and he prays for us. I hope he knows we also pray for him. We will never forget, but we have forgiven.
Sunday was 2 years since Shad sat alone in a court room and faced a room full of hurt, crying people. I can't imagine how he felt knowing we were all there because of what he had done. I will never forget the feeling I had as I read these words to him...
"A mistake, by definition, is to blunder in the choice of. All people make mistakes. Some mistakes are small and may even go unnoticed. Other mistakes are noticed by many. In this case, you made a mistake, a poor decision, a short sighted choice. Unfortunately your mistake effected many, many people. Not only is my family hurting, but so is yours. You have changed our lives forever. I can only pray your life is changed forever too. I hope you change your path, turn your life around and become the very best version of Shad there is.
Looking back at the last 362 days it all seems like a dream. A very bad dream. It has all passed so slowly, yet it seems to have flown by. All the days have one thing in common, they are missing my dad. He was a good man. He had a good heart and more love than you could even begin to imagine for his grandsons. I would give ANYTHING to have a dad hug, to hear his voice, to see his smile, or giggle at whatever silly accent he was talking to us in. He once told me the silliest thing and it made me laugh for at least 30 minutes. Still to this day it brings a smile to my face. My sons will not remember that man. They will never know silly ol' Papa. There are some things mothers do not want to and should not have to do. Sitting in the floor holding your crying 4 year old and trying to explain he can't go see his Papa is one of those things. But I had to do it. I answer questions about heaven, Jesus and why we can't just go for a visit. I don't feel like he should have to as these questions.
After a roller coaster of emotions, tears, anger, countless prayers and a few hundred miles on my treadmill, I have peace. I will always live with a sad place in my heart missing my dad, but I will be okay. My dad has missed huge milestones in my life over the last year. Luckily I had him for my wedding, both of my boys births, and 28 years. My siblings are not able to say that.
I hope you are remorseful, prayerful and ready to change. I pray for you and your family. I began praying for you on Saturday, December 12, 2009, and I will continue until I die. I hope you find hope, healing, and Jesus. I also hope you think of us everyday!
"For if you forgive men their trespasses your heavenly father will also forgive you: but if you forgive not men their trespasses neither will your father forgive your trespasses." Matthew 6:14-15
I forgive you. Not only because it is what I should do as a christian, but because I am sure you never set out to kill anyone.
Thanks"
I made it through the whole thing, only crying a time or two. Saying my words aloud to his face and seeing his reaction was amazing. I only wish I knew what he had to say back.
